5 goed wat ek haat

Ek het dit goed gedink om lesers bietjie meer te vertel oor my. So ietsie ekstra wat dalk sal help om my beter te verstaan. Niks groot onthullings of so iets nie, net n paar feite. Ek sal begin deur julle te vertel van goed wat ek haat. Ek sal dit kort hou, en net die top 5 noem. So hier volg die lys van top-5-goed-wat-ek-haat: 

1. Taxi-bestuurders – Ek is sekerlik nie die enigste ou wat voel of hy n mini-beroerte gaan he, elke keer as 1 van die bliksems met pad-reels maak nes hulle wil nie.
2. Bloed, snot, en ander ligaams-vloeistowwe – Dit is veronderstel om IN jou lyf te bly! (Een van die hoof redes hoekom n ‘regte’ dokter nooit regtig n beroeps-opsie vir my was nie.)
3. Mense soos in my blog op 8 Mei 2007 (Die een oor ‘David Beckham’) Ek is seker jy sou kon raai dat sulke mense op die lys sal verskyn.
4. Muskiete – Beslis nie die enigste ou wat die goedjies haat nie. Die silwer randjie om die donker wolk wat die winter vir my is, is die stukkie lekkerkry wat ek kry as ek daaraan dink dat die klein bliksempies vrek. Mag dit n pynlike koue dood wees…
5. Tamaties – Ek flippen HAAT tamaties. Nie tamatie-sous, of konfyt, of sop of so iets nie. Net n rou tamatie. Ek weet nie regtig wat dit is omtrent hierdie duiwelse vrug nie. Dis net die hele pakket. Die pitjies, omring deur daai snotterigheid… Nee bliksem, ek kan nie eers daraan dink nie! Ek haat tamaties so baie, ek haat sommer mense wat van tamaties HOU ook!!!

So in my ideale wereld sal n taxi-bestuurder deur n swerm muskiete verblind word wanneer hulle sy voorruit tref, waarna hy n David Beckham wannabee in sy flashy kar in sy moer in sal ry, en self noodlottig beseer word, maar beide van hulle hul ligaams-vloeistowwe steeds binne sal hou, en ek naby genoeg is om al die bogenoemde met tamaties te kan gooi. Wat n wonderlike dag sal dit nie wees nie…

Selfmoord?

As jy genoeg gehad het van al die goed wat jou die moer in maak,  en jy gee oor (maw. Besluit om jou niks-seggende, bitter bestaan op Aarde tot n einde te bring), hoe sou jy dit doen? Al ooit gehoor van Seppuku of Harikiri? Dis die manier hoe ou Japanese (en sommige Chinese) selfmoord gepleeg het. As jy taai is, sal jy dit so doen! Ek het hierdie stap-vir-stap aanwysings op die net gekry. Dis baie maklik om te volg. Die skrywer gee ook waardevolle ‘tips’ wat n mens nie sommer in ander aanwysings kry nie.

Dit werk so…

Seppuku is highly ritualistic, exquisitely precise and earns you maximum respect from students and potential job interviewers alike. However, to avoid excessive pain, thoroughly internalise this fact: seppuku is all about RITUAL. Often one was not even required to DO anything, merely reaching for the knife was considered to be the act initiating your second’s coup-de-grace (the famous “47 ronin” were despatched thus). In almost all cases death occurred from having the head almost separated from the body. (Never describe this as beheading, traditionally reserved for common criminals and quite beneath the dignity of gentlefolk.)

Obviously you have to decide well in advance why you are doing it as precise etiquette varies. Resistance, remonstrance, show of loyalty, affirmation of the correctness of one’s own position, expiation of a crime and the wiping out of disgrace are all perfectly good reasons; being refused a work visa is not (though it might come under funshi, or seppuku to express great indignation). After all, even in matters of self disembowelment a man must retain a sense of proportion. We will discuss “basic” seppuku and leave you to furnish your own flourishes.

Seppuku absolutely requires a minimum of two participants. Waiting to die from disembowelment is a notoriously drawn out process, very messy and trying for the spectator. Since the Empo era (late 17th century) only loonies such as Mishima and characters in Samurai dramas actually waited for hours to contemplate their entrails by- the-light-of-the-rising-sun – there is no need for you to indulge in anything so vulgarly melodramatic. You will require the services therefore of a Kaishakunin, or “second” whose duty it is to despatch you with a sharp sword at your signal. The exact moment he strikes is entirely for you to decide – obviously the later and more painful your death the better your chances with that next visa. For maximum effect and minimum pain we suggest you fake it. Be sure however that your second has no higher ideals than you, and of course better nerves and swordsmanship.

Choosing an appropriate Kaishaku-nin is obviously very important. You should consider the following. Beheading being very infra dig points are deducted for actually detaching the head. Make sure your kaishakunin has practiced and perfected the “daki-kubi” cut so that your head is left attached to the body by a short flap of skin. This ensures your face is hidden, demonstrates his prowess with a sword and entirely remove the stigma of decapitation.

There are three ritual systems indicating when it is appropriate to strike; choose the one most appropriate to you. Do chat to your kaishaku-nin beforehand and establish precisely when he is to intervene. DON’T rely on a student, in our experience they make lousy kaishikunin – they’ve all seen far too many samurai movies and read too few history books. They will almost certainly insist you not only disembowel yourself but write your name in kanji with your own blood on a silken handkerchief given-you-by-fair-virgin-lady (“and no, katakana won’t do”) before carrying out their ultimate duty. If you are a child, point out that it is customary to strike at the earliest possible moment. The knife itself, the kozuka, should be of about 11.5 inches, wrapped in paper with the final inch exposed. Check it is steel and not a painted bamboo substitute. Youth can be cruel.

Dress and execution. A loose kimono should be worn. As soon as the Sambo tray with the knife is placed before you, allow the kimono to fall open, reach forward, pull the tray toward you, pick up the knife and cut from left to right. The “jumonji“, the crosswise cut, may be omitted by colonials but gentlemen will know better. The final upward jerk may result in a “summa cum laude”! Remove the knife, replace it carefully on the Sambo and signal the Kaishaku-nin to proceed. (You may of course omit all steps following pulling the tray towards you if you have successfully chosen your second.)

The last meal. Anise chopsticks should be used to lend a funereal note to this feast of puns. Three slices of pickle should be served, “mikire” means both “three slices” and “cut flesh”.

In general your friends will try to create an atmosphere of mourning as though you are already dead. Don’t be offended – this consideration is intended to put you at your ease! Immediately prior to the act you may be offered a last cup of water (if it is sake it will of course be served with the left hand poured to the left – don’t try this at a party, it’s rude). Your cup will be filled in two pourings, you must drain the contents in two pairs of two sips. “Three” is taken to imply repetition, two indicating definitely-not-repetition-no-way! 2 X 2 is 4, or shi, which can be read as “death”. How comforting such intellectual jeux d’esprit at this time!

And that is about it. DON’T engage in any of the degenerate forms of seppuku that involve stabbing yourself with a paper fan: they are vulgar and a paper cut can be quite nasty. DO cover the tatami in your apartment or your guarantors will have to replace it and definitely DON’T chew gum or ask for a last cigarette. Be considerate of others and try not to make a lot of noise.

The rules for seppuku are as complex as for the tea ceremony, and the result roughly the same; if pushed we would have to recommend self-disembowelment over a slow death from lethal boredom, arthritis and bitter tea.

“Live briefly but gloriously, One’s evanescent life is but a preparation for death. The fall of the blossom is as moving as its beauty on the limb and the final moment, as ceremonialized in the ritual of seppuku, is indeed the moment of truth” (From Jack Seward’s “Hara-Kiri”- TUT 1968)– [ Amazon link ] a good introductory guide.)

P-off David Beckham!

Jy sien hom van n myl af. Want hy WIL gesien wees. Die rede? As hy nie gesien word nie, is daar bitter min bewyse van sy bestaan. Die ou wat reken hy’s Suid-Afrika se antwoord op David Beckham. 

Hy’s nie beperk een van die uiterwyke van Gauteng nie. Nie eers tot Gauteng as n provinsie nie. En ook nie beperk tot n sekere taal- of kultuurgroep nie. En om dit te bewys, sal ek van my twee-taligheid gebruik maak om die res van die artikel te skryf. 

 Why is it that some people just never grow up? They’ll always measure their success by what they own. Always try to SHOW what they would like to be. I suppose this article is somewhat of a waste of time, because the people it’s aimed at won’t read it. (So if you know someone like this, please e-mail them my list of pointers you’ll find later in the text.) They’re too busy looking at themselves in the mirror. They prefer to have their conversations at pretentious hang-outs, around a couple of ‘Peronis’ or other imported beers. (God forbid them being seen drinking a local beer!) Or they’ll drink something that looks good and sophisticated. 

They sit there, with their Armani or other designer shades encircling their heads.  (Something that looks more like a piece of equipment you should wear when welding!) Every strand of their designer hair neatly gelled in place. And they chat. They discuss important matters. Matters like the new model of a car arriving soon  or other material things, or the girls in the latest edition of the FHM or GQ. If you are unfortunate enough to end up in conversation with one of them, you’re guaranteed to be informed of his salary in the first 5 minutes (although it may seem longer). And he will tell you about all the ‘major deals’ he’s got ‘lined up’. And how at his youthful age (typically late 20’s to early 30’s) he is now a major force in the company he’s working in (often a family business, because he’s too bloody useless to find a job where ‘daddy’ doesn’t pull strings)), and how much dough he’s raking in (as if his possessions and accessories don’t tell enough of a story!). Whatever the business, be sure that he has the key to success! 

His girlfriend might be there too. A real ‘poppie’. So aware of what she looks like. And what he looks like. She probably won’t have much to say. She wouldn’t want to steal his thunder. After all, she’s just 1 of his accessories, and happy to be seen as 1. At least the rest of his accessories are expensive, and look good, right?  Not much of a personality. But then again, her materialism doesn’t allow her to have a boyfriend with personality, so it would have been wasted anyway. 

He will tell you about all the countries he’s been to world wide. Weird and wonderful places. Truly a world traveler! He’ll describe each country’s nightlife in great detail, and then look at you with a dumb expression on his face when you ask him what the local language in that country is. 

He wears designer jeans and fancy T-shirts or other shirts that hug his gym sculpted torso. As long as it’s pricy and branded! You see, it’s all about $$$! And he’s got it. He’s the kind of guy that will use skin products that are more expensive than my mother’s. Because it gets the contrast of where his shades meet his face just right. He might also sport some weird design of a tattoo somewhere on his body, that he’ll even make up a meaning for. Either that, or he’ll have a piercing of some sort. Anything to further enhance his aesthetics! 

When you see him at gym, he’ll be wearing his Puma gear. Preferably something sleeveless. Hair gelled into place again. And he’ll watch himself in the mirror as he lifts the weights with a determined look on his face. And after that, he’ll still look at himself in the mirror as he flexes his muscles, and thinks to himself: “Man! Chicks are gonna love this!”   When he leaves, he’ll get into his fast, flashy car (that forms the major part of his personality) and drive off. And you’ll feel glad that you don’t HAVE to speak to him again. Hopefully ever!  

Then, on Saturday, he’ll show up at the golf course. Because he’s heard that golf is now the ‘in thing’ to do. It’s fashionable, you see. And fashionable is everything! He’ll have the latest equipment and shoes that make a statement. His clothes will barely have enough room to make (what resembles) a golf swing. He’ll hack the place to pieces, but never be seen to repair a pitch-mark (probably due to lack of experience), or a divot (not due to lack of experience, but because that, and raking a bunker properly, is not a job for someone as important as him). And after the round he’ll be loud in the clubhouse. For now is a time to be seen again! If you know anyone like this, please e-mail them my list of pointers that follow. 

1. You are shallow. As in very shallow. Shallower than the shallow end of the kiddies pool at Sun City.
2. You are NOT David Beckham. Give it up!
3. You will never grow up.
4. Reading the newspaper is more likely to boost your intellect than the FHM or GQ. And you need that!
5. You will always conform, and never get ahead. Someone will always have ‘better’ accessories than you.
6. No-one believes you about what you earn, and we DON”T CARE!!
7. Did I mention that you are shallow?
8. Stop working on your body. Your personality is what’s lacking, and you would do well to rather develop that. And drop the Puma gear!
9. Chances are your girlfriend is just as shallow as you are, and probably the cheapest of your accessories.
10. You’re a waste of a plane-ticket.
11. Tattoos make you look like you’ve been hit with a wet newspaper. (Probably the closest you’ve ever been to reading one.)
12. Your fast, flashy car does NOT compensate for ‘you know what’.
13. Golf was invented by the Scots hundreds of years ago. It’s not a new thing. And the aim is to get the ball in the hole in as few strokes as possible. NOT how funky and uncomfortable you can look, and still attempt a swing.
14. You are shallow.
15. Please be civilized in the club house. Or anywhere for that matter. We would like to pretend you’re not there, but you’re making it tough by being so loud.
16. Please don’t talk to me. I don’t like you.
17. You are shallow.

As n laaste gedagte. Mense word geoordeel aan wat hulle self sien as belangrik. Want mens omring gewoonlik jouself met mense wat dieselfde waarde heg aan sekere dinge. So as jy jouself omring met materialistiese of ‘pretentious’ mense, sal jy ongelukkig gemeet word aan jou besittings, of hoe jy lyk. Is dit regtig hoe jy gemeet wil word? Net so bietjie stof tot nadenke…

Dear brothers and sisters…

Ek het nog altyd gewonder hoekom goed wat in die kerk gebeur soveel snaakser is as enige ander goed.

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins:

Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.

Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

 

Hierdie stories het my laat dink aan n storie wat n vriendin my vertel het.Julle almal ken mos die Gideons wat bybeltjies by skole gaan uitdeel het? Nou die storie speel af by die skool waar 2 van die Gideons omies die opening bywoon. Hulle sit daar op die vehoog, en op die voorgrond staan 2 bokse met bybeltjies wat moet uitgedeel word. Na die skriflesing en gebed kom die skoolhoof aan die woord, gretig om die gaste welkom te heet. Hy doen dit toe met die woorde: ‘More skool! Julle wonder seker wat doen hierdie 2 dose op die verhoog…’ 

Ek wonder nogal of die 2 omies toe hulle 2 bokse bybeltjies uitgedeel het…

Swakpunte

Ons het mos maar almal ons swakpunte. (Ja, selfs ek!) Jy weet, daardie goedjies wat jy weet jy verkeerd doen. Daardie eienskappe wat jy wens jy kon verander. (Aan die ander kant is dit seker die goed wat jou maak wie jy is. As jy dit sou verander, sal jy nogsteeds jy wees? Ek wonder…) Dis daai goedjies van jouself wat jou die moer in maak, al verwag jy dit ook van jouself. Of die goedjies wat van jou n ‘sucker’ maak. Goed waarmee jy in n wip gevang sal kan word. 

Ek praat nou nie van goed soos jy lieg konstant, steel graag, of praat vullis oor ander mense nie. Ek praat meer van goed wat nie noodwendig iemand anders skade doen nie, maar jouself ‘vulnerable’ maak.

Ek gee graag n voorbeeld. Ek is kompeterend van nature. Ek praat van moerse kompeterend! Nie op alle gebiede nie, maar baie. Soos sport. (Daar is baie tennis-balle, krieket-balle, rugby-balle, en ander sport-toerusting in my skooldae wat daarvan
kan getuig.) Nou dit HOEF nie n swak eienskap te wees nie, maar soms word dit verkeerd opgeneem en kom dit voor of ek n ‘bad loser’ is. En dis onwaar! Ek is nie n ‘bad loser’ nie, ek is net nie gewoond daaraan nie. Die ander ding wat kan gebeur is dat ek myself in n ding inkry waarvoor ek nie eintlik uitgeknip is nie. Soos hardloop. Dan sal ek bloed sweet, gal kots, en klippe ‘uitwerp’ net om aan myself te bewys dat ek dit tog kan doen… As ek sou wou, natuurlik! 

Nog so n eienskap is seker dat ek nogal ‘one track minded’ kan wees. (Dis nou nie bedoel met 1 of ander perverse ondertoon nie!) As iets in my gedagtes opkom wat my belangstelling lok, word alles en almal om my afgeskeep. Ek verkies om dit te sien as ‘total dedication’.

Verder is ek ook al daarvan beskuldig dat ek hard-koppig is. Ek weier kwansuis om in te gee. Nou om die waarheid te se, ek dink dis absolute nonsens! (met n K!) Ek is NIE hard-koppig NIE! En ek gee nie om wat ander mense se nie, ek staan by my punt! 

Nog 1! Ek dink ek dink te veel. Nee regtig! Ek dink so! Gedagtes maal dikwels n gat in my kop. Dit veroorsaak soms dat mens n ding vooruit loop, of afleidings maak. Dis seker beter om dinge te hanteer wanneer dit opduik, en nie spoke op te jaag nie.

Dan is daar nog n ding wat my waarskynlik meer skade doen as aan ander. Ek gee te veel om. As enige ander ou al iets/iemand sou afskryf as n ‘bad job’, sal ek maar nog die fool wees wat wil probeer help. Dit maak jou natuurlik oop vir teleurstellings.

 Okay, dis genoeg vir nou.
Om vir julle saam te vat, is die volgende my top 5 eienskappe-wat-my-waarskynlik-harder-spyker-as-die-mense-rondom-my, en van my n ‘sucker’ maak: 

• Ek is kompeterend
• Ek is ‘one track minded’
• Ek is hard-koppig
• Ek dink te veel
• Ek gee te veel om

Die lys kan seker nog aangaan, maar my eerlikheids-aanval is vir eers verby, en ek voel ontbloot. So doen my n guns en vertel my van die swakpunte wat julle het wat teen julle tel. 

Welkom/Welcome!

Na eindelose probleme op Blogger (lees: Bogger!), het ek besluit om my internet-gesprek-sessies op WordPress voort te sit. Ek laat my mos nie so maklik onderkry nie… My toetrede tot die blogosfeer (dankie zuit vir die mooi term), was… hoe sal  ek dit stel? Onseker? Ja, ek dink so. Onseker! Dis soos om n nuwe tipe aas aan n hoek te sit en te wonder of die visse gaan byt. Mens wonder mos maar of jy darem n comment of 2 gaan lok. 

 As ek die sukses van my 1ste post self moes oordeel, sou ek dit as: ‘Bevredigend’ bestempel. Ek dink 6 comments binne 2 dae is heel skaflik. (Al het ek 3 van hulle self geplaas!) Met my debuut nou agter die rug, is dit seker tyd vir n volgende een. Die een. Ek het dit goed gedink om dit te gebruik om lesers te verduidelik wat die rede vir my toetrede tot internet-gespreks-sessies is, en wat hulle te wagte kan wees. 

So, eerstens my redes.

Mense is mos maar nuuskierige wesens. Wel, ek is. Vrae duik mos maar by mens op. Sommer vrae oor allerhande goed. Vrae wat jou laat dink. Laat wonder. En wanneer sulke vrae opduik, is dit lekker om uit te vind of ander mense al oor dieselfde tipe goed gedink het, en wat hulle daarvan dink. Verder is ek nogal n ou wat opinies het oor goed, en die blogosfeer (daar’s daai term weer!) is n perfekte tafel om jou opinies te lig, en ander se opinies in te win. So as daar n lekker tema in my brein ontplof, wil ek dit met julle (die lesers) deel.  So wat kan ons verwag? (Hoor ek 1 van julle vra) En hier volg die antwoord: Hopelik sal dit soms humoristies (dit beteken ‘snaaks’ vir die dommes onder julle!) wees. Ander kere kan dit dalk ernstiger wees. Solank ons net lekker gesels, en lag oor goed wat mens eintlik die moer in maak. Ek wil dit duidelik stel dat ek NIE een van daai siniese bliksems is wat net altyd kla, en nooit tevrede met enige iets is NIE. Ek wil net n paar van my gedagtes met julle deel. Paar opinies inwin. En myne lig. Ek hou nog altyd daarvan om oor goed te dink, te lag, en ja! so nou en dan bietjie poef te praat. (Ek het gewonder of die woord ‘stront’ dalk bietjie kras kan wees vir nuwe lesers…) 

So aan almal van julle, WELKOM! Ek wil ook graag die kans gebruik om aan enige engelse lesers ook ‘WELCOME’ te se.

So this is for the English speaking readers: ‘Welcome to all of you that might stumble across my blog. As it turns out, the title of my blog is pretty bi-lingual, which should make you feel at home. This blog is one for curious minds, and people with a sense of humor. People who wonder about stuff. I will put a couple of posts up in English, or use both English and Afrikaans in others, depending on requests or comments. Please bear in mind that English is in fact my 13^th language, and I might not be able to express myself thoroughly. In those instances I’ll just revert to foul language. So welcome again, and come have a look from time to time.’ 

Vir die van julle wat nie die vorige paragraaf verstaan het nie, SIES MAN! SKAAM JOU!! Engels is n wereld taal, en mens behoort dit te kan praat en skryf en lees! 

 Mag dit goed gaan met julle almal. Good bye! Totsiens! Ek sal binnekort weer n post plaas. 

 Ek wonder nou al waaroor dit sal gaan…