P-off David Beckham!

Jy sien hom van n myl af. Want hy WIL gesien wees. Die rede? As hy nie gesien word nie, is daar bitter min bewyse van sy bestaan. Die ou wat reken hy’s Suid-Afrika se antwoord op David Beckham. 

Hy’s nie beperk een van die uiterwyke van Gauteng nie. Nie eers tot Gauteng as n provinsie nie. En ook nie beperk tot n sekere taal- of kultuurgroep nie. En om dit te bewys, sal ek van my twee-taligheid gebruik maak om die res van die artikel te skryf. 

 Why is it that some people just never grow up? They’ll always measure their success by what they own. Always try to SHOW what they would like to be. I suppose this article is somewhat of a waste of time, because the people it’s aimed at won’t read it. (So if you know someone like this, please e-mail them my list of pointers you’ll find later in the text.) They’re too busy looking at themselves in the mirror. They prefer to have their conversations at pretentious hang-outs, around a couple of ‘Peronis’ or other imported beers. (God forbid them being seen drinking a local beer!) Or they’ll drink something that looks good and sophisticated. 

They sit there, with their Armani or other designer shades encircling their heads.  (Something that looks more like a piece of equipment you should wear when welding!) Every strand of their designer hair neatly gelled in place. And they chat. They discuss important matters. Matters like the new model of a car arriving soon  or other material things, or the girls in the latest edition of the FHM or GQ. If you are unfortunate enough to end up in conversation with one of them, you’re guaranteed to be informed of his salary in the first 5 minutes (although it may seem longer). And he will tell you about all the ‘major deals’ he’s got ‘lined up’. And how at his youthful age (typically late 20’s to early 30’s) he is now a major force in the company he’s working in (often a family business, because he’s too bloody useless to find a job where ‘daddy’ doesn’t pull strings)), and how much dough he’s raking in (as if his possessions and accessories don’t tell enough of a story!). Whatever the business, be sure that he has the key to success! 

His girlfriend might be there too. A real ‘poppie’. So aware of what she looks like. And what he looks like. She probably won’t have much to say. She wouldn’t want to steal his thunder. After all, she’s just 1 of his accessories, and happy to be seen as 1. At least the rest of his accessories are expensive, and look good, right?  Not much of a personality. But then again, her materialism doesn’t allow her to have a boyfriend with personality, so it would have been wasted anyway. 

He will tell you about all the countries he’s been to world wide. Weird and wonderful places. Truly a world traveler! He’ll describe each country’s nightlife in great detail, and then look at you with a dumb expression on his face when you ask him what the local language in that country is. 

He wears designer jeans and fancy T-shirts or other shirts that hug his gym sculpted torso. As long as it’s pricy and branded! You see, it’s all about $$$! And he’s got it. He’s the kind of guy that will use skin products that are more expensive than my mother’s. Because it gets the contrast of where his shades meet his face just right. He might also sport some weird design of a tattoo somewhere on his body, that he’ll even make up a meaning for. Either that, or he’ll have a piercing of some sort. Anything to further enhance his aesthetics! 

When you see him at gym, he’ll be wearing his Puma gear. Preferably something sleeveless. Hair gelled into place again. And he’ll watch himself in the mirror as he lifts the weights with a determined look on his face. And after that, he’ll still look at himself in the mirror as he flexes his muscles, and thinks to himself: “Man! Chicks are gonna love this!”   When he leaves, he’ll get into his fast, flashy car (that forms the major part of his personality) and drive off. And you’ll feel glad that you don’t HAVE to speak to him again. Hopefully ever!  

Then, on Saturday, he’ll show up at the golf course. Because he’s heard that golf is now the ‘in thing’ to do. It’s fashionable, you see. And fashionable is everything! He’ll have the latest equipment and shoes that make a statement. His clothes will barely have enough room to make (what resembles) a golf swing. He’ll hack the place to pieces, but never be seen to repair a pitch-mark (probably due to lack of experience), or a divot (not due to lack of experience, but because that, and raking a bunker properly, is not a job for someone as important as him). And after the round he’ll be loud in the clubhouse. For now is a time to be seen again! If you know anyone like this, please e-mail them my list of pointers that follow. 

1. You are shallow. As in very shallow. Shallower than the shallow end of the kiddies pool at Sun City.
2. You are NOT David Beckham. Give it up!
3. You will never grow up.
4. Reading the newspaper is more likely to boost your intellect than the FHM or GQ. And you need that!
5. You will always conform, and never get ahead. Someone will always have ‘better’ accessories than you.
6. No-one believes you about what you earn, and we DON”T CARE!!
7. Did I mention that you are shallow?
8. Stop working on your body. Your personality is what’s lacking, and you would do well to rather develop that. And drop the Puma gear!
9. Chances are your girlfriend is just as shallow as you are, and probably the cheapest of your accessories.
10. You’re a waste of a plane-ticket.
11. Tattoos make you look like you’ve been hit with a wet newspaper. (Probably the closest you’ve ever been to reading one.)
12. Your fast, flashy car does NOT compensate for ‘you know what’.
13. Golf was invented by the Scots hundreds of years ago. It’s not a new thing. And the aim is to get the ball in the hole in as few strokes as possible. NOT how funky and uncomfortable you can look, and still attempt a swing.
14. You are shallow.
15. Please be civilized in the club house. Or anywhere for that matter. We would like to pretend you’re not there, but you’re making it tough by being so loud.
16. Please don’t talk to me. I don’t like you.
17. You are shallow.

As n laaste gedagte. Mense word geoordeel aan wat hulle self sien as belangrik. Want mens omring gewoonlik jouself met mense wat dieselfde waarde heg aan sekere dinge. So as jy jouself omring met materialistiese of ‘pretentious’ mense, sal jy ongelukkig gemeet word aan jou besittings, of hoe jy lyk. Is dit regtig hoe jy gemeet wil word? Net so bietjie stof tot nadenke…